So some people have recently commented on some posts telling me I’m a good mom. That pretty much blows me away because most of the time I feel like I’m standing in the middle of the house in my sweats with snot and spit-up on them (not mine, mind you), no makeup and hair in a messy ponytail, looking around at dirty dishes, fingerprinted windows, a stack of bills, dusty endtables, and crumb-y carpet thinking, “Huh?”
What happened?
Who am I?
Where did these kids come from?
What do I do with them?
Whose house is this?
What do I do now?
Do you ever feel like that? Like, wasn’t I just 18 and living on my own, making my own money, spending it as I pleased, with a TON of free time?? Wasn’t that just yesterday? Really- WHERE does the time go? Will I ever FEEL my age? Will I ever FEEL like a wife? Will I ever FEEL like a mom?
I L-O-V-E my life, my husband, and my kids. Please know that. I love them more than ANYTHING. It just feels like so often I find myself thinking- how did I get here!?! You know? When I was younger I always thought there would be some magical age that I would begin to feel like an adult. I’m beginning to think that age doen’t exist!
I was talking with a lady at church a few weeks ago about this very topic and she said something that hit me. She said, “Often I look around and think- who is responsible for all of these children? And then I realize it’s ME! Who thought I was responsible enough to have my OWN children?”
When I think about that, the only possible answer is God. He thinks she’s worthy. He thinks I’M worthy. So even when I don’t feel that way inside I know HE thinks that of me. And I thank Him for the opportunity to raise up some little people to know Him.
So thanks for the comments even though I don’t feel that way all the time. It makes me want to try a little harder. And makes me want to go in the other room and turn off the video I put on for my son…
“She said, ‘Often I look around and think- who is responsible for all of these children? And then I realize it’s ME! Who thought I was responsible enough to have my OWN children?’”
Well – this absolutely sums up how I a feeling this week about being pregnant! Standing in Babies R Us registering for the crib, the stroller travel system, picking a diaper bag, and nursery “stuff” I thought to myself, “Oh God – you’re giving me a kid and I think I’m going to freak out!” It is funny. I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember. I started supervised babysitting at 10-years-old and by 12 I was Infant/Child First Aid and CPR certified. I had gotten certification from the Red Cross for babysitting. I was preparing for the day I would have one of those little squirmy things for myself. And now the day is quickly approaching – 17 weeks to go. I am utterly nervous that this dream of mine is going to come crashing down and I’m not going to be the mother I always planned on being.
I worked in a private pre-school/daycare for three years starting off as an assistant in the toddler room then moving to toddler teacher, toddler supervisor, center supervisor, and eventually assistant manger. I loved every day of my work with those little ones of all ages. Now I am petrified because I’m going to have one that is all mine.
Thank you for your honesty in your posts. It really does encourage me. And I do believe that a video is a mother’s sanity on occasion.
Thank you!