What one tv show can do to me…

I’ve debated long and hard about posting this (I wrote it weeks ago) and I’ve decided- in part thanks to a very transparent friend- to go ahead with it. It’s who I am and how I feel.
11/14/08
I don’t know where to start. Last night’s episode of ER has sent me into an emotional roller coaster ride of a night. You see, I used to be a big fan- when ER was more about the stories than the smut. Then, along came Grey’s and I think ER felt they had to compete. So I tuned out for a few years. But, in this their final season, they’ve begun to return to their old ways of writing (at least in the episodes I’ve caught) and have been making it more about the stories again. Well, tonight was the return of Dr. Greene- an old favorite of mine who was killed off the show by cancer years ago. (His baby girl’s name was Ella which is in part why my little girl is now names Elle- because it struck a cord with me a long time ago, and the song they played at the time of his death- Somewhere Over The Rainbow sung by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole was the first time I’d heard that version. It later became the song my husband and I danced to at our wedding.) He didn’t come back in some freaky-soap-opera way, but rather in a flashback of the new chief’s own encounter with him when she brought in her dying child to the ER years prior. I could go on and on about this episode but for time’s sake I’ll let you look watch it HERE if you’re interested. Needless to say it was emotional in the fact that one child died and one nearly died.
Anyway- what happened after the show is that I basically completely lost it. Any time I see something on tv where a child dies I get emotional but tonight it was magnified by 1000. It brought up a lot of feelings that I had pushed aside from last February when we brought our 21 month old into the ER at 6am, completely passed out with a pulse/ox level of 50. When we got there and the nurse took his levels and temp, she literally said, “Oh no.” Those are two words you NEVER want to hear out of any medical professional’s mouth. She rushed him to a room in the back where more nurses and doctors were waiting for him. Not only was he hypoxic, but also hypothermic. Even after having just had a fever less than a few hours prior. They began an iv, wrapped him in blankets, put an oxygen mask on, and began to make plans to have him transported to Akron Children’s Hospital. However after just a couple of hours he was doing remarkably better with his oxygen levels and was allowed to stay there. A doctor later explained to us that when Jace was crying in his bed that night b/c he couldn’t breathe (we thought it was the other way around at first) that it was literally like he had his head under water and was trying to come up gasping for air. Not a picture a mother wants to envision. We had to stay in the hospital for 4 days with him and it was the hardest thing I’ve EVER had to go through. Dan and I stayed tough through the whole thing FOR HIM. AND for Elle, whom I was pregnant with. By the time the whole thing was over and we were home we never really dealt with it. We never really thought about how close we came to losing our first child. This show just kind of really whacked me upside the head with it. I’ve been facing a lot of “why” questions this year because we’ve been face to face with death so much this year within our ministry. Why these other people? Why not my child? I’d like to think that it’s because I’m a super-Christian and have everything figured out and live a perfect life. But I’m not. And I don’t. And some of these other people who faced loss this year were a lot closer to that description than I’ll ever be. So I really can’t come up with an answer as to why. But I am so….so….so…grateful to have even just these past months with him since that time. He’s the most amazing child *tearing again*… and if you haven’t met him I hope someday you can. Even when he’s being a stubborn little 2 year old, he still just melts my heart. He has so much love in him and I truly believe he already hears God talking to him just based on some of the things he says. Last night after the show I went into his room and climbed into bed with him and just cried it out while he slept peacefully. This kid has my heart forever. I’m so blessed to have two wonderful and healthy children and my prayers every night are just that they will be in my life forever. But I live one day at a time and try to love them as though they may not be here tomorrow (very hard to write that). I think any parent can understand my sentiments- it’s just a love like none other. Like the love that a Father in heaven has for us.

Sidenote- Here’s a clip of the old episode from season 8 when Dr. Greene passed away. I did miss him and it was great to see him in action again.